One of the reasons I started this blog was to keep myself accountable for my own healthy lifestyle. Because I get to pick and choose what I post, I don’t always highlight the struggles that I, myself, am experiencing with my process. I decided this morning that, regardless of blog etiquette, I need to be completely honest and forthcoming with my readers – but more importantly, with myself – in order to feel that this blog is serving its greatest purpose in my journey.
I’ve always said that I believe the emotional aspect of my weight loss journey has been what has helped me make the most progress, and I feel that I am in a space where I need to write about my process in order to move through it right now. I don’t even know if that’s going to make sense to anyone else, but that’s okay.
“You’re almost there. I want you to think about finishing this with power, focus, and intention. When you see the finish line, that’s when you break into a sprint!” – Jillian Michaels.
I’ve been on my weight loss journey for 8+ years now, and for the past year I’ve been struggling with the last 15 pounds or so until my goal weight. I got comfortable with myself and thought, well, everyone says I look good, so what’s the point of pushing myself to get to a certain number? And then, even when I’d try, I wound up getting off-track with my nutrition or getting busy with school/work/life and not putting in the same effort as needed (as I’ve lost more I’ve needed to work harder and harder).
I’ve been thinking about that goal weight number a lot lately – as well as all the numbers that come along with the process of weight loss (calories in, calories out, deficits, macro nutrients, etc.) – and I’ve come to realize that it’s not that number that is so important to me. It’s the goal. I set out to achieve a certain goal that I created for myself. A place where I could re-evaluate the way I felt and where I wanted to be. I set an attainable goal that seemed the best place for me to be at my healthiest and strongest. And I’ve worked my butt off – literally – to reach that goal.
But something keeps stopping me short.
For the past three weeks I’ve seen the same digits on the scale, and it hasn’t bugged me much because I’ve been feeling stronger and clearer and more focused lately. But something clicked in me today when I saw the same number I saw two weeks ago on that piece of metal in the bathroom. I spent the morning pondering the questions Am I afraid of reaching my goal weight? and What happens if I actually reach my full potential?
“You have one true obligation, that’s to contribute your best you to the world. Visualize what you want out of life & think big. Don’t be afraid of what others think. That’s their business, not yours. Don’t feel undeserving. We’re ALL deserving of living our dreams – some of us realize it & some don’t. You’re not doing anyone any favors by living small. Embrace these truths & step up. The world is waiting.” – Jillian Michaels
I think everyone can relate to this fundamental question of reaching their potential, but especially those of us who are on a health and wellness journey. I have spent so much time and energy on becoming healthy. Once I hit my goal weight, will I flounder and just gain it back? My life has become centered around fitness and nutrition and I have this stupid worry that somehow that will change once I’m at my goal weight. I’ve always been the chubby-girl-with-a-pretty-smile. How will my identity change once I’m thin (which is different from being fit, but that’s not what I’m discussing today)?
In my life I’ve been confronted with the fact that I always start things, but rarely finish them. I need to prove to myself that I am capable of doing everything I set my mind to. I am a pioneer, and I’m also capable of getting the job done.
I wrote in my journal this morning that I really wanted to get to my goal weight so that I could get pregnant and start our family. I feel like starting off on a healthy and fit note will help me in the long run, so I want to eliminate a bit more of the fat before pregnancy. Writing that made me realize that I’ve done so many things in my life for other people, and this is my chance to do something solely for me. It may even be my last chance to do something just for me. These last 15 pounds are manifestations of fear, doubt and guilt, and they are holding me back from living my greatest potential.
So, because I am worthy of being beautiful both on the inside and the outside, and because I am deserving of greatness and living the life I want for myself, I am taking on these last 15 pounds with newfound strength and rigor. Something inside me clicked this morning, and I am now ready to finish what I started so long ago and then continue on with the adventures and challenges that maintenance will bring! It’s time to put in that extra effort and sprint it to the finish line! What I’ve learned through my wellness journey can and will never be forgotten.
Whew. I feel lighter already . I’ve got a great feeling about what’s already started happening within me. I truly adore being a role-model and offering advice, but sometimes I get so caught up in feeling like I have to be perfect so that I can set an example. But nothing in life is perfect. It’s all a journey. A beautiful journey that allows us to learn and grow along the way. Who knows, maybe someone else needed to hear all of this today, too. Maybe we can all help each other confront our fears and doubts together .
Aloha Pumehana. Whether you’re here to find balance, wholesome recipes or inspiration, I hope you enjoy the posts. Please subscribe to Green Plate Dinners to receive automatic updates and be the first to read new posts for free!