I’ve been meaning to write out this post since the moment I announced our pregnancy. Back at the end of October, seeing the word “pregnant” on that stick was such a huge surprise to me that I had to take multiple tests to believe my eyes. And even then, I refused to truly believe that I was hapai until a doctor’s office confirmed it.
Somehow I went from Trying to Conceive to Pregnant when I least expected it. And here’s how I found out, at 3:45 in the morning:
“My heart feels heavy. Full, rather than depressed, though. As if the world has placed every heavy emotion upon my vital organ and it has to find some way to beat through it all… I’m nervous: It’s day 23 of my cycle and absolutely nothing feels different. I’m really beginning to worry that something might seriously be wrong with me and I can’t have have kids or something… I feel so out of control.” — excerpt from my journal, October 19th, 2011 [approx. 9 days pregnant].
October was our fifth month trying to conceive and it was getting to me. I had promised myself that I wasn’t going to obsess over getting pregnant for that month – that I was going to focus on my relationship with Ben and just have fun – and I did well, until the end of my cycle came and the dread of a new cycle starting loomed over me yet again. After the above journal entry, I decided to let it be. I promised to stop letting the whole baby-making thing get to me until November. We had family friends visiting Maui, so I figured the next week or so would keep my mind occupied.
A few days before my period was meant to come I got my usual menstrual cramps and tender breasts. I had heard that women often get implantation bleeding [spotting] if they’re pregnant, but I didn’t get any of that, so I truly thought my period was coming. In retrospect, there were a few strange signs that I missed: (1) I was peeing more often than usual, (2) I was moody [which I attributed to PMS], and (3) I constantly felt hot.
[Mama’s Fish House, Oct. 24th]
I have a pretty regular cycle and was meant to start my period on the 25th, but when it didn’t greet me in the morning, I brushed it off to staying up too late. I decided I’d wait another day to do a pregnancy test.
Ben and I decided to get to bed early on the 25th because we were both exhausted from hosting family friends. Ben crashed pretty quickly, but I felt restless so I read for a while, then laid in bed with the lights out. I fell asleep for a couple hours and then woke up at around 12:15am and couldn’t fall back asleep. I tried everything to get some rest: read, massaged my feet with lavender, drank a cup of Sleepy Time tea, watched a movie…
By 3:15, I told myself that I needed to sleep – I had work the next day! I forced my eyes shut and meditated, but it didn’t work. Plus I had to pee every 30 minutes. Finally I told myself, If it’s gonna take seeing the negative on that pregnancy stick, I’m just gonna do it so that I can finally get some rest.
At 3:45 I got up and went to the bathroom to pee for what must have been the 20th time that night. But this time I was peeing on a CVS pregnancy test [I had bought so many over the past few months that I didn’t care about brand names anymore]. I peed, then sat waiting for a few minutes. When I looked at the test, there was only one line [negative], but the validation window never showed up, which meant that the test wasn’t working properly. I thought, Damn. I don’t really wanna waste a digital test, but I’ve got three so whatever.
I peed on the digital test and sat again for three minutes. Feeling defeated [but almost relieved to be able to sleep after this whole thing was over], I picked up the test, saw the word “Pregnant”, and put it back down quickly.
I sighed and let myself feel the sadness of yet another month of disappointment, and then it hit me.
“Did that just say Pregnant?!?” I literally said this aloud to myself.
As I scrambled to pick that test back up, I knocked my contact case into the trash.
“Holy *#$%.” Aloud. Again.
I immediately thought, This has to be a mistake. An error. But as I willed my poor bladder to squeeze out a few more drops so that I could double-check, I realized just how accurate Clearblue digital tests were. Sure enough, after a few minutes of my heart-racing impatience, it was there on the second test:
The smile was instantaneous.
I debated waking Ben up [and having him realize just how crazy I was] or waiting to tell him in the morning. Obviously, he already knows how crazy I am, and I couldn’t go one moment without telling him:
“We’re pregnant”, I said as I crawled back under the covers at 4am.
Without skipping a beat, opening an eye, or rolling over he said, “I know.”
“No, really. I just took the test. Twice! It’s positive!”
We laid there hugging, me hooked under his arm. I could hear Ben’s heart steadily thumping in my left ear and I felt like mine was going to burst with happiness.
“You’re going to be an amazing Mom.”
“You’re going to be the most incredible Dad.”
I finally drifted off to the sound of Ben’s thumping heart.” — excerpt from my journal, October 26th, 2011.
Ben and I still wake up grateful for this opportunity every single day. How lucky I am to have such an incredible partner, and how lucky this baby is to be surrounded by so much love and support already!
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