In my last post I talked a bit about what the process of letting go has felt like for me. It continues to transform every day, and I am grateful for that. But lately I have been focusing less on the past and much more on the present. Being here, now. And meeting myself where I’m at every single day, even if it feels ugly or mean or scattered.
There is so much about my miscarriage experience that I will never forget. The good and the bad. It made everything in life seem less significant and cast a shadow over my family. I wasn’t able to be a good mother, or wife, or friend for a while. Shit, I’m still struggling with it. I have so much empathy for those who continue to struggle with the emotions of losing someone you hold so dear and yet have never met.
And yet, there is so much beauty that surrounds me in every moment. I know that there is no turning back or changing anything. It’s easy for me to get pulled lower and lower emotionally; what’s difficult is staying positive. So I’ve been working hard to be present and count my blessings every day.
Personally, I have already been so incredibly blessed to have a happy, healthy, thriving little boy who fills my days with adventure and laughter. Isaac is my main source of reconnecting to the present. He brings — sometimes yanks! — me into the moment with his constant need for interaction, love and attention. I also feel a sense of solace in just looking at him and knowing that it’s possible for Ben and I to have healthy children.
Another practice that always helps immensely during rough patches is a diligent journaling practice. I write every single day for at least 20-30 minutes, and I’m always sure to include what I’m grateful for. It’s been so helpful in keeping me connected with my inner wisdom, and I feel more active in the story of my own life.
I’ve also started my meditation practice back up. Slowly for now – just five minutes per day – just to reconnect, but I hope to increase by a few minutes as time goes on. It’s pretty amazing how much meditation helps with my state of mind.
I’ve been making time for me. I’m lucky enough to have an amazing husband who has taken on more of the load right now so that I am able to do something I love every day for an hour. Lately that’s been lifting weights, cooking, being in the garden, coloring or walking (either in nature or before the sun rises). I’ve made it a point to try to turn off the electronics so that my mind is able to wander and I’m able to pay attention to everything happening around me. It’s been beautiful.
Our family recently returned from a two-week trip to the US, and I’m noticing that something has definitely begun to shift internally. I feel changed by this whole experience, but not in the overwhelmingly depressed way I had while it was happening and the weeks afterward. Some days are harder than others – as I expect will continue to be true for a while – but overall I feel… better. Which is all I can ask for.
As I mentioned in the last post, my Doc says we’re cleared to try again for another baby whenever we’re ready. Neither Ben nor I feel rushed to start trying again soon, and we trust that we’ll know when it’s time, but I have been taking more precautions for a future pregnancy, which I’ll discuss in the last part of this three-part Baby Steps series. In the meantime, I’ve got a couple of boys who need me to be present with them. 😉